The Cliff

I am a coward. A lazy coward who refuses to do anything until the last minute. Jumping off cliffs is no exception. It’s not that I don’t want to jump off the cliff, but I don’t want to.

So we’re getting close to making a movie again. Got a script I like, a couple of good friends lending a hand for the crew, and I’m working on gathering actors. The first steps towards this very long journey have been taken, or at least the preparations are being made. Packing the bags, making sure we got enough food and water to last us however many miles it is to the next stream. But I don’t think I've jumped off the cliff yet.

There is a point of no return in film production where it’s too late to call everything off and hide in a bed, refusing to return calls. Where it ceases to be theoretical and schedules become real, other peoples time is being wasted. I think we’re getting close. I’m maybe a few inches away, a few phone calls away from the precipice. And once we do pass that edge it’s full steam ahead, I’m going to be neck deep in having this project consume me for months. And I dread that.

It’s not fun. Alright, those few hours where we’re rolling and creating things? That’s great, that’s a blast. But it takes a bunch of having to interact with people, spending money to get to that point. And I dread it. I'm not a people person. And then taking all that footage and endlessly editing it all together? Giving up the third of my life that isn’t work or sleep to this thing for months without knowing beforehand that it will be any good is such a scary proposition.

Jumping off that cliff becomes this leap of faith. You do as much preparation as you can to mitigate the risk, but you have to give yourself up to... whatever you want to believe. I choose not to believe in anything, so, so... I can only leave it up to myself?

In the end, do I trust myself enough to actually do this? That’s the question that hangs in the thin air a couple hundred feet above the rest of the earth I’m about to plummet towards. And if I’m going to be honest with myself? No, I don’t. But I gotta act like I do. Put on this act and fake it. Because whether I’m ready or not, I want to get there. Wherever there is. And the only way to get there is to jump.