A Merman I Should Turn To Be

On the eve of summer, as children return to school and I return to the routine that is the daily grind, I look back on the last two months and realize that it was more productive than I've been in a while. You know, I did stuff. Actual stuff, not sitting around complaining about the heat. Maybe it helps that it was a relatively mellow August, the humidity didn't really grind me down like it usually does. Shot stuff, edited stuff, got shit done.

Most importantly, I came to the realization that I think I finally found what I want to do with my life. You see, I got this weird habit I've been following for the last ten years, more like most of my life: I'm a quitter. A lazy quitter. I get into an activity, say for example playing music, or anything really. At first I like it, it grows into a near obsessive fondness, and then when I hit the point where I've invested too much- I grow tired and bored of said activity. End up quitting cold turkey and move on to the next obsession leaving it all behind, including the folks associated with that activity. Not with this film production thing, I think I love doing this more now than I ever have.

There was a period a few months after That Thing where it got dark. Invested two years of my life making a mediocre flick, wasn't in much of a mood to do much. But I guess I recovered? Working on various no-budget productions of friends over the last few months reinvigorated my fondness for this work. Despite waking up at four in the morning and running off two hours of sleep I enjoyed doing it. If I could somehow figure out how to make a living doing this then I would never work another day in my life.

The biggest obstacle in the way? I think I'm still half-assing it. Dipping my toes in, not going for broke. Am I content just doing this stuff in my spare time? I've got a friend who's an actor, he's been at it for years, trying to catch a real break. Dude just got into a prestigious school for his masters, potentially diving into a mountain of debt. But he's doing what he wants to do, he's happy. I'm too chickenshit to take that sort of risk. But could I see myself doing anything but what I want? Six months ago I was having a conversation with this cinematographer dude, well, at least as much of a conversation as I could muster, and the dude had some profound advice. How many people want to do what I want to do? Hundreds, thousands in New York City alone? What would make me stand out, why would they pick me over someone who wants it bad? There's a bunch of folks trying harder, I'm just dipping my toes in. Ain't going to swim that way. If I want to do this I can't half-ass it. Why haven't I listened?

On another tangent... I let my youth pass me by. I saw it come and go, utterly self-aware of the process of growing up, refusing to accept that was the way it was supposed to be done. Nothing in particular, I just mean living life. You were supposed to make a fool of yourself when you were a kid. Say stupid things, be socially awkward. That's how you learned the right things to say, how to act in the company of your peers. I'm normally not one to regret things, but I regret not doing regrettable things, making mistakes when it was expected of you to. Where I'm currently standing, not only am I self-conscious of the learning process but it's all sitting underneath a layer of being too old to pull that sort of nonsense. I'll have to rip off those scabs eventually.

Tangent number two, since the fingers are still in the mood to type. Crowd funding in its various incarnations: what's the deal with that? Specifically in regards to film-making. Am I just getting old and cranky or does it seem like a stupid idea? Asking random strangers for money to make your own selfish project? Most independent film is selfish, don't mean it in a derogatory way. I guess you gotta have enough of a ego to believe that what you're creating is worth other people's time and ticket sales. But to extend the hand and beg for cash before you've even made it? I don't know, what happened to maxing out credit cards and subjecting yourself to medical experiments to raise the cash? If you have to ask for it, do you deserve it?

I don't know, been seeing filmmakers who I follow on the social networks trying to raise large amounts of money for large projects, but they already have large followings they've earned over years of providing content in one way or another. They've put in the work, they'll be fine. But what gets me are the fools who are trying to scrape together two grand for a short. What could you do for two grand that you couldn't do yourself? How many fans do you actually have? Ones that enjoy your work so much that they would dig into their pockets during these rough times and hand you money for what in the end is the selfish endeavor that's called independent filmmaking?

Who am I to be talking this trash in the first place? I know nothing about money. All I know is that if it's a story worth telling I'd tell it by any means necessary and forgo the two grand in rental fees. But I know nothing.

Final tangent: Listening to Jimi Hendrix's “Electric Ladyland” while crossing the Madison Avenue Bridge at two am the other night was beautiful. The tracks ceased to exist and the songs melted into each other. The old lady asking for change or drunk group of Mexicans throwing their styrofoam cups of beer at me as I walked home couldn't harsh my mellow. It was just a very chilled evening.